Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Stop the Noise

What is that obnoxious sound coming from my window!
She turns over to look at the clock, one minute before the alarm rings off.
Her face filled with irritation and misery,
almost a drop of tear coming down her face.
All she wants to do is roll up like a caterpillar in its sack and give in to all the warmth the covers are giving off.
I guess I should get up now, I mean, I should be in control right; not my mind which sometimes try to fail me every time.
There will never be a clear understanding of how the human mind cannot keep up with the worlds pace and how fast we are expected to move as young growing adults.
I mean, damn, can I reflect and overcome the torture my heart is currently recovering from.
Can I understand, comprehend why as humans we must go through this.
If I didn't have my faith this journey will have no answers to all my why's.
But I must keep referring to the general reason why we as humans are not perfect and will never be.
Why we must go through this journey blind folded, with only the site of trust in the higher power.
Trust, ha; only if we as humans had enough of that.
There's that noise again!
Setting off the alarms for an early rise to jump start the day with belief that there is a method to this madness.
Routine is boring but structure gives hope of success, so I must do what is expected of me for now to do what I’m meant to do later.
It’s a reason why we experience failure and deal with doubt of the potential we hold.
The madness is a test, it’s testing me every day.
There’s always going to be that ringing noise in my ear, it means I’m getting up every day pushing through the noise and the whispers in my head that try to keep me trapped in the covers.
But when will be the day I overcome all the madness and pass these tests of life’s obstacles.
This is all a journey, how it starts won't be how it'll finish.
This is not a sit back and watch while everyone goes through there day, no matter how much my disturbed mind would like it to be that way.
Even if I feel like I'm a floating particle with limbs walking the same distance as everyone else, breathing the same air, there's a way to connect the body with the mind.
Tomorrow is not today but today I have the control to stop the disturbance for tomorrow morning.

For You I Will...

 As a young adult have you ever thought about changing your path for someone else.
Of course not, because growing up we are told to focus on school and becoming the person we want to be.
What if along the way, you find the young man and decided you want to see with him who you could become.
Sleeping pass noon,
waiting to eat until the hunger sets in,
having those bad hair days all week,
skipping out on shaving for a day or two,
choosing Netflix over chill.
This sounds a lot like the happily single life.
Love at 20? HA! Who has time for that?
Working on communication,
Not having the phone on do not disturb because your “busy”,
Talking to him almost every day with nightly pillow talk,
Visiting one another and compromising.
Dressing up to go on dates,
Not having too many bad hair days because there’s always plans on the calendar with him.
That sound like a lot of effort,
But for you I will.
Having a clean room for only one day out of the week,
spraying air refresher over that mysterious smell.
Am I even adult enough to even consider someone else?
For you I will grow and for me I need to grow.
Making plans with him instead of the girls,
doing spontaneous things and going to new places,
Eating amazing food and learning mind blowing things,
This could be a kind of fun.
So, for you I will.
What do people even do in adult relationship and where’s the book they must be reading?
Is there even a way to get pass the cringe of pet names and saying I love you all the time?
For you I will test my comfort zone.
With you I will realize there’s no book except the one we will be writing ourselves.
Thinking beyond myself
Living for not just me but also for someone else.
Going beyond dating, crossing the line to partnership and family.
Crying when times get rough,
Not agreeing on every topic,
and having the feeling of uncertainty.
It will be tough but for you I will climb mountains.
Overcoming times of discomfort and growing into stronger people.
Listening and changing
Being more than a lover but a friend, support system and family.
It will be a journey but nothing has ever stop me from working for what I want.
Since I will do for you,

One day I will say I do.

One Single Control

Sharp pains piercing through her back.
Aches and cramps all through her chest, that's worse than a period cramp.
Bloodshot eyes, waiting for the brightness to dim so she feels comfortable opening them.
Why is someone banging on that door,
Get out of my head!
That bang sounds a lot like blood rushing through the heart like a fully functioning human being but she doesn't feel alive at all.
Light as a paper airplane being tossed across the room.
That's how she felt.
Like she knew of no gravity.

Finally, a break from the horror show.
She looks in the mirror and sees reddish pillows where her eyelids use to be.
Disgusted by her washed out skin, wondering; why?
Her mind wonders.
“Am I that horrible of a human being?”
“Do I not deserve the happiness I dream of?”
She questions all her thoughts, movements and all she has spoken before.
Tender skin getting scraped by the over used tissue.
Day in and day out, repeated three times.
“Will this ever end, will my skin ever glow again.”
Dull again she feels, without a sign of heel.
“How did I go down this steep hill of never ending water flow?”
Falling down further and further, losing sight of the light that made her glow.
“Am I me anymore; why couldn't I see what he was doing to me?
“I couldn't see, the constant flow of blood going through my veins growing my heart bigger and bigger was casting a shadow over my eyes.
Now my eyes are covered with pillows, reddish pillows.”

Day in and day out, day four
“Please God! I really can't take this anymore my body is sore, my mind is torn and my heart is all over the floor.”
She got a needle and thread with hopes her heart will never bleed out again.
Walks through the doors of a new chapter but this time this chapter is staring her.
Distraction.
Tossing back 1 beer, 2 beers, 3 beers, then 4.
High note laughter with people she never seen before.
“Where am I? Whose house are we in?”
It doesn't even matter because any feeling that takes away from that hurt is something she will never forget.
Extending one limb along with the other,
Swipes the face of someone under the covers.
“Who am I?
I still know who I am, I was never lost I just found.”
She found new words to go in her chapter with new ups and downs.
New lessons learned and mistakes to learn from.
Mistakes are never mistakes just lessons to guide you to fate.
Distractions.
Pounding her head into the bright words jumping off the screen telling her to do better.
She's doing better.
“I'm getting better.
I am better.”
What's those holes shining through each side of her pillowed cheeks, no longer her pillowed eyes.
What's that pinkish red shadow seeping through her skin, no longer her reddish cries.
Her heart beat that's neither fast nor slow but going at the right pace.
The right pace she goes through her younger years with no more tears, no more feeling sorry for herself, no more apologizing for who she is.
She is who she is, as someone that is not his.
She now owns herself, with every step, every breath, every thought that comes into her mind...
"I control what happens next" 

Friday, October 21, 2016

What do you want it to mean?


What do you want it to mean?
Constantly fighting with myself
Only I can hear it, only I can see it, only I can feel it.
What am I fighting so hard for?
I'm fighting to live a life
But aren't I living?
You're only living if you live your life to the fullest
But what does that mean?
You have to be something better than what you are
But I think I'm great
Don't limit yourself, take full advantage of all your opportunities
I'm trying, I'm working hard, and I’m making progress
I'm failing, I'm unmotivated, and I can't do this
I'm human.
I'm a human that knows nothing is given until you work
I'm a human that wants it all but have nothing at all
Yet.
Yet, they tell me it's hard but I did it
Yet, they tell me it's going to cost but I bought it
Yet, they tell me my GPA is low how did I raise it
But yet I did it
I'm not there yet
My book is not yet finished
I have so many chapters to go, I don't know what the story holds
Stop fighting against the positive and what's supposed to be
Fight off the negative and make them be
Be who you want, do what you want, and live how you want
But make it count because you only live once
Live your life to the fullest
But what does that mean?
It means you do what you think that means
My fullest is my happiness
My fullest is my friends
My fullest is my experience
My fullest is the unconditional love I'll have for someone and the family I'll raise with him
Right now I'm not at my fullest but I'm at my now

I'm done fighting.


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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Letter to myself... Underneath the surface

Dear Self,
Realize that growth comes with mistakes. That growth is not perfection and will never be. Your growth is individualized and will never be like some else's path. Don't forget that you are who you are for a reason but there's always room for growth. 
This isn't just a letter to myself but a letter of realization to life . Life doesn't come with a book. It comes with societies "norms" and societies "rights and wrongs" unfortunately. It's you that has to decide what life you want to live, will it be for you or for society. Society want you to be the standard person, meaning "good" body shape, perfect grades to have a successful life, welcoming personality along many other norms. That's what they want but what do you want. 
I want to be.... I want to know... I want to see... I want have... I just want to live. Live for me, live for my future life, live for the people I love. Why do I have to think about what's right or wrong, or if I'm doing it right. I can not live and do things to get a stamp of approval from people who are just people. People who have walked their own paths, people who have struggled and doubted themselves, people who have became successful because of all their trial and errors. They're just people that lived their lives so why can't I. 
I can. 
If you take away societies rules and what should be or shouldn't be, what do you get? Your own rules and what you make of it. 
So grow using your own mind but grow to become wise. 
This is a letter to myself, a letter of realization. This isn't a promise to myself , I'm done with that. Promises sadly are false hope so this is me realizing and coming to terms with self growth. I don't want to be anything less than who I am or who I'm growing to be, so I'm not and neither should you. 


Saturday, October 3, 2015

Stay Focused.Stay motivated.Be original.Be you.


IF YOUR LIFE DOESN'T CHALLENGE YOUR LEVEL OF FEAR, PASSION AND DEDICATION THEN YOU'RE NOT LIVING AT ALL. NO DOORS SHOULD BE OFF LIMITS, FIND A WAY TO  GET THROUGH AND BE THE BEST WHO HAVE EVER WALKED THROUGH.



Monday, January 5, 2015

Find what gets you in that mood

 Have you ever struggled your whole school career trying to figure out why you're not an A+ student? It's not because you're dumb. It could be because of many reasons that can turn into excuses. Struggling with grades and the GPA outcome really puts some students down. Like myself. Not being able to hit atleast that 3.0 is upsetting and makes you feel little of yourself. Then on the other hand you're such an ambitious person. It just doesn't add up to you. Being ambitious and focusing so much of what you want for your future will sometimes make you forget what you have to do NOW for the future. Staying motivated in the present time will benefit the future. It's hard trying to find a way to accomplish that 3.0 but it's as simple as putting in the work. Time and effort is key. Try things such as different organization skills. Use what's in front of you such as tutoring sessions. Read up on how other people accomplish these goals. Learn more about time-management. Most of all STUDY. Looking at notes an hour before a test WILL NOT help you remember. Plan time out of your week to study even if there is no exam. College takes up a lot of your time but you have to learn how to use your time wisely. Do what works for you but don't be lazy about it. I say I'm trying but am I really? Just be honest with yourself! If you know you're sleeping too much into your day when you could be accomplishing things. Then get up wash yourself and go make some accomplishments. At the end of the day you're going to feel amazing that you've achieved a goal of yours and will want to achieve many more. No goal will be a piece of cake. You will have to take time to make that whole cake then cut a piece for yourself. Now I want some cake so I must put in the work.