Wednesday, May 10, 2017

One Single Control

Sharp pains piercing through her back.
Aches and cramps all through her chest, that's worse than a period cramp.
Bloodshot eyes, waiting for the brightness to dim so she feels comfortable opening them.
Why is someone banging on that door,
Get out of my head!
That bang sounds a lot like blood rushing through the heart like a fully functioning human being but she doesn't feel alive at all.
Light as a paper airplane being tossed across the room.
That's how she felt.
Like she knew of no gravity.

Finally, a break from the horror show.
She looks in the mirror and sees reddish pillows where her eyelids use to be.
Disgusted by her washed out skin, wondering; why?
Her mind wonders.
“Am I that horrible of a human being?”
“Do I not deserve the happiness I dream of?”
She questions all her thoughts, movements and all she has spoken before.
Tender skin getting scraped by the over used tissue.
Day in and day out, repeated three times.
“Will this ever end, will my skin ever glow again.”
Dull again she feels, without a sign of heel.
“How did I go down this steep hill of never ending water flow?”
Falling down further and further, losing sight of the light that made her glow.
“Am I me anymore; why couldn't I see what he was doing to me?
“I couldn't see, the constant flow of blood going through my veins growing my heart bigger and bigger was casting a shadow over my eyes.
Now my eyes are covered with pillows, reddish pillows.”

Day in and day out, day four
“Please God! I really can't take this anymore my body is sore, my mind is torn and my heart is all over the floor.”
She got a needle and thread with hopes her heart will never bleed out again.
Walks through the doors of a new chapter but this time this chapter is staring her.
Distraction.
Tossing back 1 beer, 2 beers, 3 beers, then 4.
High note laughter with people she never seen before.
“Where am I? Whose house are we in?”
It doesn't even matter because any feeling that takes away from that hurt is something she will never forget.
Extending one limb along with the other,
Swipes the face of someone under the covers.
“Who am I?
I still know who I am, I was never lost I just found.”
She found new words to go in her chapter with new ups and downs.
New lessons learned and mistakes to learn from.
Mistakes are never mistakes just lessons to guide you to fate.
Distractions.
Pounding her head into the bright words jumping off the screen telling her to do better.
She's doing better.
“I'm getting better.
I am better.”
What's those holes shining through each side of her pillowed cheeks, no longer her pillowed eyes.
What's that pinkish red shadow seeping through her skin, no longer her reddish cries.
Her heart beat that's neither fast nor slow but going at the right pace.
The right pace she goes through her younger years with no more tears, no more feeling sorry for herself, no more apologizing for who she is.
She is who she is, as someone that is not his.
She now owns herself, with every step, every breath, every thought that comes into her mind...
"I control what happens next" 

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